Making me not merry

It's that time again. The time when I swear at the various trees while I choke them out with strands of lights. The time when the electrician of the house chooses to ignore what is happening with extension cords and multi-way connectors. The time when those "I'm gonna say 'Merry Christmas' so screw you," sentiments start to pop up all over the social world.

This year in the form of stock photos with bad typesetting plopped on top. Sometimes with a starburst.

I don't know about you, but they make me wonder. Is anyone preventing these folks from saying anything? Can't they just go scream Merry Christmas or Merry CHRISTmas or Happy Birthday Baby Jesus as loud as they like, wherever they like? I doubt anyone will stop them. At least not in most of America - unclear on other places.

I remember a few years ago (probably more than that) when there was a big hullabaloo that the circulars for the chain stores all said "Happy Holidays" and "Holiday Sale." People got all upset because this generic greeting did not reference their specific holiday. Really? So you actually want retail outlets to exploit your holiday instead of saying, "Hey, we'll sell you our crap for whatever holiday you choose." Because trust me, no matter which greeting they choose, they are not really concerned whether your Dec. 25 or otherwise is any happier than the day before or after. They just want your money.

So the latest one I saw said something about "I don't say happy holidays, I say Merry Christmas." Really? To your non-Christian friends? You can't spare a few minutes to get to know what they celebrate and wish that to them? Or if you are unsure, just wish them a general happy season until you get to know each other better and respect and cherish the ways you are different yet still like each other?

Guess what, they probably already know you are self-centered and don't care anyway.

Multi-tasking

What say we get back to the original theme of this blog - fitness...

The other day I am getting ready to go hang with the amazing gals of GNO and I have this little conversation with MV.

Me: I have come to the conclusion that am just chubby right now. I know I am not extremely fat, but I certainly am not where I want to be. Do you know what I mean?
MV: {blank stare}
Me: You know how there is this scale of your personal weight? Well I am at the top of mine and I am not liking it. I am chubby. I have to fix this. Do you know what I mean?
MV: {blank stare}
Me: I mean, it is not like I am eating really terrible and I am getting some exercise but it is just not working. Something has to be done. I am just not liking this. Do you know what I mean?
MV: {blank stare}

At this point, I realize he is actually looking kind of terrified.  It occurs to me that he is pretty much in a no-win situation. He can agree with me and say he does know what I mean, which could get him days of pouting if I decide to interpret his agreement as calling me fat. Or he can say "no" which will cause me to just explain it again several times, saying the same thing but using different descriptive words, hoping one of them will inspire understanding of my plight.

I stalk back into the bedroom and put on something very black.

Now here is the part that really took me by surprise. The next day, we were laying around and MV starts the conversation like this.

MV: You know your personal problem that I cannot say out loud?
Me: Um, you have to be more specific.
MV: That one I can't say.
Me: Um, not really. I have far too many personal problems to just guess one.
MV: Well, I can't say it in case you get mad, but I'll tell you the solution.

He went on to say that the difference between now and when I was happier with my weight was that I was running nearly everyday. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. It was when I was training for a marathon (which turned into a half marathon, which turned into foot surgery - thus the not running everyday anymore). His solution: Just ride your bike for 20 minutes after work. It doesn't matter if there are weeds in the yard, they will be there when you come back. When you get home, just jump on the bike before anything else gets in the way or stops you. Just do 20 minutes, that's all.

So that's the plan.

Tonight, I got home from work. I jumped on my bike and rode for 22 minutes. Even though MV made me do two laps on tandem at Addison yesterday and my legs were burning. Hey, you can do anything for 20 minutes. It is very humid today, so I was hot and sweaty and tired upon my return. I got the biggest glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold water. I then proceeded to put it down on the counter sideways (?) and dump the water all over the counter and the floor.

There you go - bike ride done and kitchen floor cleaned!

I have hard wood

floors.*

Here is the phone conversation I had at 8:15 this morning in the car on the way to work.

Phone: Ring, ring
Me: Good morning, this is Jennifer**
Phone: This is Kyle from Modernistic calling to confirm your carpet cleaning appointment for today.
Me: I think you have the wrong person.
(VERY long pause. Complete silence.)
Me: Um, well, bye.
Phone: Oh, um, yeah, good bye.

Do you think he dialed wrong? Or is this a new sales technique?

Might I have thought a moment about the cleanliness of my carpets and responded, "Well yes, but could you remind me of the appointment time. And let's just confirm which address I was planning for today."

If I was really good, I might have added,

"Do you already have payment information on file?"

Unfortunately, my floors are solid hardwood. I wonder how Kyle is with a Swiffer?

*Just trying to make this little blog a bit more popular.
**Yes, I do answer the phone that way when it is an unfamiliar number. I can't help myself. I usually say "Hello Gorgeous!" if I know you.

We are fruity

We eat a lot of fruit. Currently we go through dozen apples, a bag of peaches and two watermelons a week. Plus toss in whatever berries show up at the farmers market. This is for two people.

A week ago Sunday, I restocked the apples along with some pears to keep them company. Tuesday, this happened:

MV: When did we get more apples?
Me: Sunday.
MV: So you were hiding them from me?
Me: Right. I hid then in the bowl in the middle of the table.
MV: Yes, but they are usually on the other table.
Me: The one covered with clean laundry? They wouldn't hidden there at all.
MV: But I had no fruit at work.
Me: There were cherries and blueberries in the fridge. You knew they were there.
MV: But they are not the right size for work.
Me: What size is that?
MV: Hand-sized.

At least he wants to eat fruit.

I am looking into having a conveyor belt installed between my house and Whole Foods. One that just sends in watermelons as fast as we can eat them.

Action August

It's Action August! I made it up over the course of the day yesterday. In order to participate in this month-long challenge, you simply need to do some kind of physical activity for 10 minutes each day in August. Days with more than 10 minutes are strongly encouraged, but each and every day must have at least 10 minutes.

"So what kind of physical activity?" you ask. It's all up to you. You can go to the gym or ride your bike or just walk around the block. If you like, you can even aggressively vacuum the rugs (my rugs, come on over here). Just as long as you are honest with yourself that you were "on purpose" moving around in some fashion for 10 minutes straight. Or more. Sometimes, go for more.

Brilliant huh?

Here's the catch. If you realize it is time for bed and you have forgotten to do your Action August, you have to stand next to your bed and march in place for 10 minutes. I bet after a day or two of that, you will remember to take a walk somewhere far more interesting the next day.

So join me. Just ignore the days you missed. Or add on some minutes later. But as of today, just move it.

You may be wondering how I did on day one. Well, I thought up the plan during the day while I was at work then had to go straight to meet mom for a garden tour. In the car, I called P and told her the plan. "You're on," she replied. So, what can a girl to do when she is stuck in a car and will not be home until nearly bedtime? Can you guess it? Ten minutes of...butt crunches! All the way down 696, I was crunching. And judging by the soreness in my tush, they must have worked.

ps - Don't you love the name? I was originally going to go for Ass-shrinker August but this seemed a bit more public-discussion friendly.

What I want

So I go to this gym, let's call it...um...the expensive gym, because I want to get really skinny and have sleek muscles. I also want to have a squirrel tail ever since I read that they can wrap it around themselves like a blanket in the winter and not get cold. How fabulous would it be to have a built in blanket? And of course I want to have huge white feathered wings. Because - who doesn't?

I have a bad feeling that it is pretty much a three way tie as to which of those I am actually going to get. Considering that ice cream exists.

How to get your tire fixed

About a week and a half ago, I thought my rear driver's side tire looked low. I asked MV to check it. Two days later, I thought it still looked low and sweetly asked if he had time to check my tires. Turns out he had aired it up right after I asked, but he checked again and aired again. Diagnosis - must be a slow leak and I needed to go up to the corner tire store. Yes, we actually have a tire store that is pretty much up on the corner.

Then I drove for about a week with it looking just fine, so obviously it had fixed itself. Conveniently, since MV was out of town so there was no possible way to convince him to do it for me.

Two nights ago, he came back into town. Last night, he mentioned that my tire looked low and had I gone to the tire shop. He was not of the opinion that it fixed all by itself.

So...today I slipped out of work early and visited the tire shop. You should absolutely go to Discount Tire on 12 Mile. This is a very nice tire place. With good magazines (which I did not read - see below). And they have staffed up perfectly - cute guys who are just scruffy enough to not be intimidating, but not scruffy enough that you don't want them to kind of flirt with you a little even though you could (possibly) be their mom. Though I did feel a little embarrassed asking the cute guy where the restroom was. (Seriously, everybody pees. Really, they do. Why do I feel silly asking?) They checked my tire while I diligently read facebook my accounting text. They said it was just a little corrosion making the tire not seat right and fixed it for free. Did you hear that - FOR FREE!

The cutie guy in charge let me know that two tires were starting to crack and the others were very low on tread, but we agree that was a conversation best left for another day. 

I happily skipped to my car, then skipped back into the tire shop and said I just didn't think it was quite full enough yet. The cutie guy in charge checked it and said it could take 5 lbs more. As he pulled it over to the hose, it started to sprinkle. He used the wipers. BBBRRRRAAAPPPP!

He came back and let me know I really could use new wipers. I explained that the one on my side was new, due to the unfortunate icy window, tangled-up wipers incident. I even used hand motions, but I'm not sure he completely got it. He turned on the wipers again. BBBRRRRAAAPPPP!

"You see," he said, "they are supposed to take the water off the window, not just turn it into lines."

"But it does that on my side just fine," I replied.

BBBRRRRAAAPPPP!

"Wipers are only $8.99 and we install them for free..."

I let him change the passenger side. And magically that horrible noise is completely gone.

We went back into the tire store. I paid. I hopped into my fully-aired up, no more BBBRRRRAAAPPPP! car and turned onto 12 Mile. I reached into my purse for my sunglasses. No sunglasses. I thought about it for a minute. I mentally traced my steps (all while sitting about a few feet from the tire store because, at the intersection of 12 and Orchard, rush hour is a bitch). I suddenly knew where they had to be. I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant two down (because there was no way I was getting back to where I had come from in that traffic) and I walked back to the tire store. The cutie guy in charge saw me walk up and looked questioningly. Because (I really am hoping) it is not every day that someone drives away with a fixed tire and returns 5 minutes later on foot.

"Oh, I just need to pop into your restroom and pick up my sunglasses"

Yeah, I am just that cool.

Do this

You know how, supposedly, if you say something enough it starts to come true? How there have been studies that when teachers are told certain kids are smarter than others, by treating them as such, the kids end up fulfilling those expectations even if they were all equal to start?

When you have had a really good day and are feeling particularly pleased, tell yourself, "It's good to be me." Not in your head - out loud. Even a bit smugly. Even if there are other people in the room that will hear you. No need to justify it or make a list of why. Just say it, because right at that moment, it is true.

Now say it the next day. And other days too. You can even say it all the days of a week just to see how it feels. Maybe the other people around you will want to say it too.

On a kind-of crap day, say it. On a really crap day, think back to when you last said it and why you said it and know that it was true and will soon be true again.

Because it certainly is good to be me. And I'm damn sure it is good to be you.