Warning

So apparently you cannot come into my house and mention that you have doubts about whether it is right for a scout leader to be gay. It seems I will quiz you, as a straight man, about whether you are likely to want to f*ck young girls just because you are around a group of them, so why in the world is your average gay guy who likes guys his own age any more likely to f*ck young boys? And then I will make you discuss it more whether you want to or not. Yes, I did use the actual bad word out loud in my kitchen just for shock value. 

But seriously, I hope I didn't scare him away. He is a nice guy and MV's friend. And to his credit, he was not being completely close minded as he was willing to listen to what I had to say. But I do hope maybe he does think about it a little from a different point of view. 

Making me not merry

It's that time again. The time when I swear at the various trees while I choke them out with strands of lights. The time when the electrician of the house chooses to ignore what is happening with extension cords and multi-way connectors. The time when those "I'm gonna say 'Merry Christmas' so screw you," sentiments start to pop up all over the social world.

This year in the form of stock photos with bad typesetting plopped on top. Sometimes with a starburst.

I don't know about you, but they make me wonder. Is anyone preventing these folks from saying anything? Can't they just go scream Merry Christmas or Merry CHRISTmas or Happy Birthday Baby Jesus as loud as they like, wherever they like? I doubt anyone will stop them. At least not in most of America - unclear on other places.

I remember a few years ago (probably more than that) when there was a big hullabaloo that the circulars for the chain stores all said "Happy Holidays" and "Holiday Sale." People got all upset because this generic greeting did not reference their specific holiday. Really? So you actually want retail outlets to exploit your holiday instead of saying, "Hey, we'll sell you our crap for whatever holiday you choose." Because trust me, no matter which greeting they choose, they are not really concerned whether your Dec. 25 or otherwise is any happier than the day before or after. They just want your money.

So the latest one I saw said something about "I don't say happy holidays, I say Merry Christmas." Really? To your non-Christian friends? You can't spare a few minutes to get to know what they celebrate and wish that to them? Or if you are unsure, just wish them a general happy season until you get to know each other better and respect and cherish the ways you are different yet still like each other?

Guess what, they probably already know you are self-centered and don't care anyway.

Multi-tasking

What say we get back to the original theme of this blog - fitness...

The other day I am getting ready to go hang with the amazing gals of GNO and I have this little conversation with MV.

Me: I have come to the conclusion that am just chubby right now. I know I am not extremely fat, but I certainly am not where I want to be. Do you know what I mean?
MV: {blank stare}
Me: You know how there is this scale of your personal weight? Well I am at the top of mine and I am not liking it. I am chubby. I have to fix this. Do you know what I mean?
MV: {blank stare}
Me: I mean, it is not like I am eating really terrible and I am getting some exercise but it is just not working. Something has to be done. I am just not liking this. Do you know what I mean?
MV: {blank stare}

At this point, I realize he is actually looking kind of terrified.  It occurs to me that he is pretty much in a no-win situation. He can agree with me and say he does know what I mean, which could get him days of pouting if I decide to interpret his agreement as calling me fat. Or he can say "no" which will cause me to just explain it again several times, saying the same thing but using different descriptive words, hoping one of them will inspire understanding of my plight.

I stalk back into the bedroom and put on something very black.

Now here is the part that really took me by surprise. The next day, we were laying around and MV starts the conversation like this.

MV: You know your personal problem that I cannot say out loud?
Me: Um, you have to be more specific.
MV: That one I can't say.
Me: Um, not really. I have far too many personal problems to just guess one.
MV: Well, I can't say it in case you get mad, but I'll tell you the solution.

He went on to say that the difference between now and when I was happier with my weight was that I was running nearly everyday. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. It was when I was training for a marathon (which turned into a half marathon, which turned into foot surgery - thus the not running everyday anymore). His solution: Just ride your bike for 20 minutes after work. It doesn't matter if there are weeds in the yard, they will be there when you come back. When you get home, just jump on the bike before anything else gets in the way or stops you. Just do 20 minutes, that's all.

So that's the plan.

Tonight, I got home from work. I jumped on my bike and rode for 22 minutes. Even though MV made me do two laps on tandem at Addison yesterday and my legs were burning. Hey, you can do anything for 20 minutes. It is very humid today, so I was hot and sweaty and tired upon my return. I got the biggest glass from the cupboard and filled it with cold water. I then proceeded to put it down on the counter sideways (?) and dump the water all over the counter and the floor.

There you go - bike ride done and kitchen floor cleaned!

I have hard wood

floors.*

Here is the phone conversation I had at 8:15 this morning in the car on the way to work.

Phone: Ring, ring
Me: Good morning, this is Jennifer**
Phone: This is Kyle from Modernistic calling to confirm your carpet cleaning appointment for today.
Me: I think you have the wrong person.
(VERY long pause. Complete silence.)
Me: Um, well, bye.
Phone: Oh, um, yeah, good bye.

Do you think he dialed wrong? Or is this a new sales technique?

Might I have thought a moment about the cleanliness of my carpets and responded, "Well yes, but could you remind me of the appointment time. And let's just confirm which address I was planning for today."

If I was really good, I might have added,

"Do you already have payment information on file?"

Unfortunately, my floors are solid hardwood. I wonder how Kyle is with a Swiffer?

*Just trying to make this little blog a bit more popular.
**Yes, I do answer the phone that way when it is an unfamiliar number. I can't help myself. I usually say "Hello Gorgeous!" if I know you.

We are fruity

We eat a lot of fruit. Currently we go through dozen apples, a bag of peaches and two watermelons a week. Plus toss in whatever berries show up at the farmers market. This is for two people.

A week ago Sunday, I restocked the apples along with some pears to keep them company. Tuesday, this happened:

MV: When did we get more apples?
Me: Sunday.
MV: So you were hiding them from me?
Me: Right. I hid then in the bowl in the middle of the table.
MV: Yes, but they are usually on the other table.
Me: The one covered with clean laundry? They wouldn't hidden there at all.
MV: But I had no fruit at work.
Me: There were cherries and blueberries in the fridge. You knew they were there.
MV: But they are not the right size for work.
Me: What size is that?
MV: Hand-sized.

At least he wants to eat fruit.

I am looking into having a conveyor belt installed between my house and Whole Foods. One that just sends in watermelons as fast as we can eat them.

Action August

It's Action August! I made it up over the course of the day yesterday. In order to participate in this month-long challenge, you simply need to do some kind of physical activity for 10 minutes each day in August. Days with more than 10 minutes are strongly encouraged, but each and every day must have at least 10 minutes.

"So what kind of physical activity?" you ask. It's all up to you. You can go to the gym or ride your bike or just walk around the block. If you like, you can even aggressively vacuum the rugs (my rugs, come on over here). Just as long as you are honest with yourself that you were "on purpose" moving around in some fashion for 10 minutes straight. Or more. Sometimes, go for more.

Brilliant huh?

Here's the catch. If you realize it is time for bed and you have forgotten to do your Action August, you have to stand next to your bed and march in place for 10 minutes. I bet after a day or two of that, you will remember to take a walk somewhere far more interesting the next day.

So join me. Just ignore the days you missed. Or add on some minutes later. But as of today, just move it.

You may be wondering how I did on day one. Well, I thought up the plan during the day while I was at work then had to go straight to meet mom for a garden tour. In the car, I called P and told her the plan. "You're on," she replied. So, what can a girl to do when she is stuck in a car and will not be home until nearly bedtime? Can you guess it? Ten minutes of...butt crunches! All the way down 696, I was crunching. And judging by the soreness in my tush, they must have worked.

ps - Don't you love the name? I was originally going to go for Ass-shrinker August but this seemed a bit more public-discussion friendly.

What I want

So I go to this gym, let's call it...um...the expensive gym, because I want to get really skinny and have sleek muscles. I also want to have a squirrel tail ever since I read that they can wrap it around themselves like a blanket in the winter and not get cold. How fabulous would it be to have a built in blanket? And of course I want to have huge white feathered wings. Because - who doesn't?

I have a bad feeling that it is pretty much a three way tie as to which of those I am actually going to get. Considering that ice cream exists.

How to get your tire fixed

About a week and a half ago, I thought my rear driver's side tire looked low. I asked MV to check it. Two days later, I thought it still looked low and sweetly asked if he had time to check my tires. Turns out he had aired it up right after I asked, but he checked again and aired again. Diagnosis - must be a slow leak and I needed to go up to the corner tire store. Yes, we actually have a tire store that is pretty much up on the corner.

Then I drove for about a week with it looking just fine, so obviously it had fixed itself. Conveniently, since MV was out of town so there was no possible way to convince him to do it for me.

Two nights ago, he came back into town. Last night, he mentioned that my tire looked low and had I gone to the tire shop. He was not of the opinion that it fixed all by itself.

So...today I slipped out of work early and visited the tire shop. You should absolutely go to Discount Tire on 12 Mile. This is a very nice tire place. With good magazines (which I did not read - see below). And they have staffed up perfectly - cute guys who are just scruffy enough to not be intimidating, but not scruffy enough that you don't want them to kind of flirt with you a little even though you could (possibly) be their mom. Though I did feel a little embarrassed asking the cute guy where the restroom was. (Seriously, everybody pees. Really, they do. Why do I feel silly asking?) They checked my tire while I diligently read facebook my accounting text. They said it was just a little corrosion making the tire not seat right and fixed it for free. Did you hear that - FOR FREE!

The cutie guy in charge let me know that two tires were starting to crack and the others were very low on tread, but we agree that was a conversation best left for another day. 

I happily skipped to my car, then skipped back into the tire shop and said I just didn't think it was quite full enough yet. The cutie guy in charge checked it and said it could take 5 lbs more. As he pulled it over to the hose, it started to sprinkle. He used the wipers. BBBRRRRAAAPPPP!

He came back and let me know I really could use new wipers. I explained that the one on my side was new, due to the unfortunate icy window, tangled-up wipers incident. I even used hand motions, but I'm not sure he completely got it. He turned on the wipers again. BBBRRRRAAAPPPP!

"You see," he said, "they are supposed to take the water off the window, not just turn it into lines."

"But it does that on my side just fine," I replied.

BBBRRRRAAAPPPP!

"Wipers are only $8.99 and we install them for free..."

I let him change the passenger side. And magically that horrible noise is completely gone.

We went back into the tire store. I paid. I hopped into my fully-aired up, no more BBBRRRRAAAPPPP! car and turned onto 12 Mile. I reached into my purse for my sunglasses. No sunglasses. I thought about it for a minute. I mentally traced my steps (all while sitting about a few feet from the tire store because, at the intersection of 12 and Orchard, rush hour is a bitch). I suddenly knew where they had to be. I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant two down (because there was no way I was getting back to where I had come from in that traffic) and I walked back to the tire store. The cutie guy in charge saw me walk up and looked questioningly. Because (I really am hoping) it is not every day that someone drives away with a fixed tire and returns 5 minutes later on foot.

"Oh, I just need to pop into your restroom and pick up my sunglasses"

Yeah, I am just that cool.

Do this

You know how, supposedly, if you say something enough it starts to come true? How there have been studies that when teachers are told certain kids are smarter than others, by treating them as such, the kids end up fulfilling those expectations even if they were all equal to start?

When you have had a really good day and are feeling particularly pleased, tell yourself, "It's good to be me." Not in your head - out loud. Even a bit smugly. Even if there are other people in the room that will hear you. No need to justify it or make a list of why. Just say it, because right at that moment, it is true.

Now say it the next day. And other days too. You can even say it all the days of a week just to see how it feels. Maybe the other people around you will want to say it too.

On a kind-of crap day, say it. On a really crap day, think back to when you last said it and why you said it and know that it was true and will soon be true again.

Because it certainly is good to be me. And I'm damn sure it is good to be you.

Meow

Our cats are named Connor Ellis and Tulane (or Tully) Benedict. I call them ConCon and Baby Kitty.

I imagine when I leave the house, it goes like this:

Connor: ConCon? Seriously, ConCon? What kind of name is that?

Tully: Excuse me, but you've got nothing. Baby Kitty? Baby Kitty? I'm like nine years old. I won't even tell you what that is in cat years. I win.

My mother use to say that at the stroke of midnight on Christmas morning, all the animals could talk just for a minute. Thanks goodness I am too old to stay up that late anymore.

Spin bunnies

In spin class, it is quite obvious who is a year-round spinner and who also rides outdoors from their spinning style.

The spinners are bouncing up and down, shifting side to side and never still on their bikes. While it looks fun and probably burns a few more calories, if they ever hit the road they could be on the ground in about a second.

The bicyclers, on the other hand, are much less inclined to pop up and down and only occasionally shift from side to side a bit. Also, they often wear jerseys instead of cute little tanks. Because lots of pockets are necessary to hold the little locker key.

Then there's me. Completely in-line with the bike, absolutely stable, at most times absolutely nothing moving but the legs. If anyone was noticing, it would be so obvious. My spin style screams Tandem Stoker.

Is it me?

Today after work, I go to the garden section of Home Depot. I go to the wood chip section. A guy asks if he can help me find something.

Me: I need some wood chips to go on a path.
Guy: What kind of chips? Like rock chips?
Me: No, wood chips.
Guy: What kind of wood chips?
Me: To go on a path.
Guy: A path?
Me: The big chips that go on a path, not the broken down kind that go around flowers.
Guy: A path?
Me: Oh, these ones are called "Path & Play." I think they can go on a path.
Guy: So you want the natural look?
Me: I want these chips that say "Path" on them.
Guy: How many?
Me: One. (pick up chip bag)
Guy: Do you have a buggy?
Me: No, I'll just carry them. (Scurry away with bag of chips in kind of a hug like you carry a pillow when you get woken too early and can't yet give it up)

See, this is why I have to shop in the same stores over and over. They get used to me. I get used to them. They don't seem to mind if I ask them things, even weird things, and they know the answers. I highly recommend Whole Foods for this. I am pretty much willing to pay whatever they charge at Whole Foods* just to be able to ask them weird questions and not get weird looks. Try it. Seafood is especially fun.

*Well, I try to stick to the sale stuff

My situation

I used to think that there was something great waiting for me. Not waiting exactly, which implies that it is just sitting there for the taking. This was more like able to be found, but requiring some seeking, some choosing, some sacrifice. And I was the one who was destined to rise to this challenge and embrace this greatness.

Just this evening, I have realized that I am not currently in the position to go on that hunt. I am tied down. I am committed. I am unable to jump when asked, go when called and seek that which is around the corner. I would guess that this is temporary and some day I will desire to seek again.

But for now, I've turned ordinary.

I am still trying to decide if I am ok with that for the time being. I'll get back to you.

Very Important Question

If you are mad at someone, not because they deliberately did something but just because of circumstances, is it wrong to then be less mad because you realize that your outfits are far better than hers? Shoes included. Hypothetically of course...

Mexican Oregano Potatoes

Went to a fabulous spin class followed by a very relaxing yoga class this Monday. Gosh, I just loved it. Then did nothing for the rest of the week. Well, that's out of the way.

Tonight we will be having roasted potatoes with Mexican oregano for dinner. They are supposed to have basil, but the containers look quite alike. Which reminds me of a time in my childhood...

My mother used to feed us goulash for dinner. A lot. Not authentic goulash or anything fancy, just where you make red sauce and instead of putting it over spaghetti, you put elbow noddles in it. I was never very fond of it. Not sure why - I loved spaghetti, but somehow the noodles already in it just didn't work for my picky kid self. Mom says I was extremely particular about textures, so maybe the noodles got mushy or something.

One night she was making it. I was hanging around at her side and watching, most likely mentioning that I didn't care for it as a dinner choice. She was probably saying, "Well, you can eat it anyway." She reached in the cupboard for the large plastic thing of oregano with the shaker and shook some in. Except it happened that the cinnamon was also in the same sort of large plastic thing and happened to have no shaker. Yep, pile of cinnamon right on top of the goulash. My mom looked at me. I looked at her. I'm sure we had horrified expressions. She began to remove the top of the cinnamon pile, but of course some had already incorporated itself into the tomato sauce. I opened my mouth to protest and, before any words could escape, mom fiercely whispered, "Don't tell your sisters and you can have grilled cheese."

At the dinner table, my sisters were all, "This tastes funny," and my mom was all, "No it doesn't. It's the same as always." Then they were all, "How come Jenny doesn't have to eat it?" and my mom was all, "You know she doesn't like goulash..."

Fitness Report

Not a lot of time to write lately, but here's a quick story to let you know that I HAVE been working out.

My fabulous friend gave P and I free 30-day passes to her gym. We have been using them to the max - went nearly every day over the week break. Feels SO GOOD to be doing gym stuff again. Any stuff again! Like yoga. Especially Yin Yoga taught by this teddy bear of a guy named Todd (I think).

Yin Yoga involves holding poses longer to really get the stretch. You mostly concentrate on the back, hips and groin. It can be brutal to hold a stretch for 5 minutes, but it is also so good.

Picture this: We are lying flat on our backs. We put one leg up in the air. We catch hold of our foot (or use the yoga strap if we cannot reach it - only crazy people can actually reach it so forget that catch hold part and just imagine the strap part). Then the foot goes way out to the side to stretch the inner thigh. This actually feels really good and we do not hate this like we hate the frog thingy that we do at the end that pretty much sucks.

So this particular night, it is pretty crowded. I realize my foot is going to go really close to P's head when I bring it over so I whisper, "Hope my foot doesn't smell." As a joke. Really. It was not smelly. But suddenly this stench fills my nostrils. It is awesomely bad, thick and nasty and just hovering. I wrinkle my nose and try to avoid it, but it is all around me. I glance at P to see if she can smell it too and she whispers, "It that your FOOT?"

Hello!?! She actually thought the worst fart in the world was my FOOT! I quickly whispered back, "No way," and we cracked up. Silently. Which pretty much means we lay there and shook and tried not to look like we were laughing. We determined that we should blame the guy behind her.

It did finally clear and I could breathe again. Fortunately, thankfully, luckily, whoever did that learned a lesson and did not try that again in class. I know it is supposedly a natural thing and yoga can make it happen, but there was nothing natural about this particular cloud.

I just feel sorry for whoever they were going home to that night.

Day 4+: Morning Person Plan

I bet you are wondering what happened to my perky morning self. I am apparently very good at getting out of bed at 7 and making it to work on time. Which is better than getting out of bed at 7:15 and being late. Baby steps...

So for now I will take this blog back to its roots and discuss fitness. For the past year there has pretty much been none, zilch, zero, nada. I believe I have mentioned this before, but going to school plus working kind of cuts into other plans. I know, amazing people can do it all. But they probably don't love to cook dinner from scratch or have clean houses. Priorities. (This is not to imply that I have a clean house by any means. But I did eat lots of fabulous dinners.)

So now that I am taking back my evenings, I was ready to jump right into my workouts schedule. Or rather, sort of sidle up to it, glancing furtively to avoid eye contact. Here is how it went.

Sunday, I went to the gym and rode the stationary bike a bit, plus did some upper body and core. Monday, I went to the gym and rode the stationary bike some more. You will note that I am sort of just playing around on the bike. Which is nice. I am catching up on my reading. Tuesday, I had to do all my Christmas shopping so you know how that goes. Thus we get to today.

Today, I left work and, right before I hit the on ramp, I heard that the freeway was particularly backed up. I cut out of the developing line and realized that my new route was taking me right by the gym. I was not originally planning to go to the gym, but I figured that it must be a sign. After all, my gym bag was in the car, all ready with the (oops) clothes that I had worn to the gym the previous two times. Whatever. I went on in and did my 20 minutes on the bike, enjoying my book tremendously and particularly appreciating that my iPod, which is in the fritz, decided to work.

Maybe it was the iPod or maybe I am just crazy, but when I hopped off the bike, I somehow ended up on the treadmill. And started running. This treadmill is planted right in front of the mirror. (Why do they do this?) Today I enjoyed it in particular because:

1. I didn't remember to grab a hair band so mine was all hanging and immediately got insanely frizzy and sweaty.
2. I am so pale that I turn bright red when I run. BRIGHT SPLOTCHY RED.
3. I was wearing a sports bra that is more suited to biking and not that supportive. I do not enjoy watching my boobs flop all over while running.
4. I noticed for the first time that my cheeks actually jiggle when I run. The ones on my face. My bright red, sweaty ones. Though I assume my other cheeks were also doing their fair share of jiggling - luckily the treadmill controls blocked my view of THAT!
5. And to top it all off, my gym clothes kind of smelled. The mirror didn't tell me this, but I knew you would want to know because it really enhanced my run.

At one point, I could no longer stand the lank mass of hair on my neck and twisted it up into a knot. It stuck there with no outside assistance. Having my arms raised like that pointed out that maybe it was not just my clothing that were scented.

But, against all odds and to my complete and utter shock, I thoroughly enjoyed my 1.5 miles on the treadmill. This was not all spent running. Oh no, the running bursts were limited to two minutes with "stop the barfy feeling" walking breaks in between. But the fact that there was any running was simply awesome. When I was done, I'm pretty sure my endorphins were in high gear, having been in retirement for so long. I felt fabulous! I took my sweaty self over to the mat and even did my stretching (Coach Steve would be so proud). Then grabbed my stuff and strutted out to the car.

So there you have it. Gross but happy. Time to make dinner.

Day 3: Morning Person Plan

Slight improvement today. Got up at regular time, got ready quickly and made it to work by 8:35 even with traffic still heavy. So basically am at the exact place as before the plan began. Except really tired. As in so tired that in the shower I couldn't remember if I had done the conditioner yet and had to feel my hair to try to determine if it was softened or not. Couldn't tell so just did more conditioner. Bonus - hair was not static-y all day.

But the real indication that you were not full awake in the morning is when you realize halfway through the day that your undies are on inside out. Just sayin'.

Day 2: Morning Person Plan

Forgetting to set my alarm is NOT part of the plan.

I refuse to talk about it!

Day 1: Morning Person Plan

I am working on a new scheme. I need to become more of a morning person. See, there has been a change in my schedule. I am back to working full time at my fabulous job and next semester I will only be in class one evening a week. No more three day a week class until 10 and not being able to fall asleep until after midnight. Not when I need to be fresh and alert first thing.

Usually I sort of drag out of bed at maybe 7:15. Maybe. And I need to be at work by 8:30 - half an hour away. Just not the best plan. Also, there have been alleged rumors that I am not exactly the nicest person until maybe 10 am.

So, I will be forcing myself into the role of perky morning person. Starting today I will be waking up extra early so that I will get tired in the early evening and thus reset my internal clock. Here is how day 1 has gone.

4:30 am - MV's alarm goes off. He snoozes. Me too.
4:45 am - Ari sits on my hair. Just a few pieces. Have you ever had a cat sit on just a few pieces of your hair. Well, it hurts. Get the cat to move. He thinks this is some version of petting and purrs.
5 am - MV gets up. He is perky.
5:20 am - I get up. I am not perky. I give Tully a little pet. He doesn't want me to stop so he reaches out to catch my hand. With his claw. Now my hair and my finger hurt.
5:30 am - Not sure what people actually do at this time of the day. Maybe a bit of computer work.
5:35 am - Check Facebook. It is populated solely by teachers. Perky teachers.
6 am - Remember that my clothes are in the washer. Transfer to the dryer. Sit on the couch and stare into space, anticipating how lovely it will be to put on dryer-fresh warm clothes.
7 am - Get in shower.
7:45 am - Warm up car. Should be leaving for work due to nasty icy roads, but car looks sort of like a cupcake still and needs to thaw.
7:50 am - Cut apple wedges and piece of cheese for breakfast. Microwave Udi's GF Chocolate Muffin. Wrap in paper towel and put in coat pocket. This might sound like a bad idea, it even did to me at the time but I still did it. Actually, it was brilliant! So WARM AND TOASTY in my pocket and stayed warm until I wanted to eat it later in the car. Might not want to try with a crumbly muffin.
8 am - Leave for work. Poor car still is not warm. I am, due in part to muffin warmer.
8:20 am - Begin over 20 minute drive of the half mile long parking lot between Campbell Hilton exit and ramp to I-75.
8:25 am - Begin nodding off. Seriously overcome by tiredness. Prop open eyelids but wonder if I could possibly catch a little nap before the traffic moves.
8:45ish am - Yeah, totally late for work, but actually beat many people. Roads were crap.
9 am - I think I will go for the regular tea today...decaf seems like a bad idea.

Thus commences my second day as an Events and Promotions Coordinator and my first day as a Perky Morning Person. Actually, was so busy I forgot to be sleepy. Or maybe it was the tea.

10:30 pm - Gosh am I awake! I am so completely perky. It is like I have a second wind. Maybe I will do some dishes. Or the laundry. Or run a marathon.
11:15 pm - Or just go to bed. Good night all!