The Airport

I drove by the airport today. Coming home from dinner at a friend's house. It was dark so the airport was all lights. I was struck by this deep feeling of what I guess would have to be called nostalgia. Sort of this empty feeling, just for a minute, missing what I never really had.

In my past life, I used to travel for business - a lot. Not the salesperson who doesn't even have an apartment because he would never live in it level of travel, but enough to be able to breeze through security like a pro. I was out of town for maybe one week out of each month. Various places, one year it was pretty much Dallas, another year was mostly Milwaukee. And for maybe a year and a half, it was just everywhere and anywhere. New York, LA, London, even a few weeks in Brazil. To produce photo shoots. With models and photographers, sometimes even famous ones. I met lots of people and we all hung out, went to fabulous restaurants and were nice and friendly with each other. Since I had the power to hire, everyone was actually super friendly.

And when I was in the office, I was pretty much either recovering from/talking about where I had just been or getting ready for the next jaunt. It was difficult to make personal plans because I often didn't know when exactly it would be time to head out again.

The creative director told the head of production that if I didn't slow down, I was headed for a heart attack. When he relayed this to me, I smiled proudly. Then went off to yell into my phone. Or chat merrily. Depending on whether the costs were in and the set was built and the line of skinny hot chicks looked "aspirational," not just hot. This all got me sent to manage the still photo portion of a commercial shoot in Brazil with the directive that when I was not on set, I was to be lying by the pool with a drink in my hand and relaxing. On location, my darn rented cell phone only sort of worked if I stood in the right spot and yelled - at the account guy who called me every 10 minutes since he hadn't made it down to the shoot yet. But every evening, we all floated around in the pool with the fountains. The first night, in my undies because my luggage didn't quite make it there at the same time as me.

It was exciting. It was fabulous. It was too good to last.

I remember sitting in some fabulous bar on top of some tall building in LA with some super gorgeous photographer (never figured out if he was gay) and thinking, "Is he really enjoying our conversation or is he only here because I am the customer and he has to do this to try to get more business?" and conversely, "Am I really enjoying time spent with this person or do I just like that I am in this hot bar with this hot photographer, wasting the hour before I have to head to the airport and move on again?" And everyone I was around every day could inspire pretty much the same set of questions.

The budget was cut, the client left, the well ran dry. And I realized that I had kind of lost touch. I had spent so much time with people who were being nice to me because that was part of the job, that I now assumed everyone was always like that. Anyway, why bother getting to really know anyone because I would just be flying off before we could get too deep into anything.

Cut to tonight. Driving by that airport, somewhere I used to know so well, loved and hated in just the right mix. I had this urge to just drive in, jump on a plane and chase am adventure. I sometimes miss the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next week, but having confidence that it would be exciting and new. That there would be a constant flow of people who did my bidding, at least I sure hoped they did and, if not, I could just threaten to not pay them.

Instead I drove to my home to hang with M and the cats.

Currently, I work part time. For a small organization full of people who truly want to make our state, and the world for that matter, a better place. I haven't been on a plane in about a year. And that was for a vacation.

I am learning to form real friendships. I am having to realize that sometimes people just like me for me. I am actually enjoying it.

So that is me, gutted. But you damn well better believe that if I am hanging with you today, I really do want to consider you a friend. For real.